The annual circus known as NBA free agency is nigh. It is a cornucopia of Woj-bombs, emoji-analyses and rumor-mongering that’s sure to be 4,000 times as interesting as this year’s Finals. And by design, the ringmaster is once again LeBron James, he of the well-timed player option. Of course, this means that all the league will come to a stand-still until he, the biggest domino, decides it is time to fall.
Now that we know for sure that he’s opted out of the final year of his deal with Cleveland we can start to speculate and hypothesize about which jersey he may suit up in next year. So…I figured it would be a great time to do a team-by-team ranking of their chances of landing the biggest free agent prize (SPOILER ALERT- if your team is not currently near where LeBron keeps a home or loaded with young talent, those chances are slim to the amount of games the Cavs won in the Finals).
(Records shown are from 2017-18 season)
THE VINCE MCMAHOn MEMORIAL “NO CHANCE IN HELL” GROUP:
30. Atlanta Hawks (24-58) No Playoffs- What do you get when you add a D-League roster, a certain blonde-tinged Point Guard (and best player…shudder) that wanted out BEFORE they drafted talented but shot-happy Trae Young, and an apathetic fan base? A 0% chance of landing LeBron.
29. Memphis Grizzlies (22-60) No Playoffs- Wait…29? Can’t you picture Marc Gasol and LeBron picking apart opposing defenses with their exquisite passing? And Mike Conley, Jr’s coming back! He’s a beast. And what ab-STOP! You saw how they did ‘Bron’s boy Fiz! No chance. Plus there’s only room for one King in Memphis.
28. Sacramento Kings (27-55) No Playoffs- What the hell is this team doing? They had Luka “The Don” Doncic, a polished scorer and passer with ice in his veins, waiting for them on a silver platter and they passed for Blue Devil Marvin Bagley III. He’ll have to be more Jayson Tatum than Jahlil Okafor to keep Sac-Town from it’s thirteenth straight lottery. So, while it would be cute for the ‘King’ to play for the Kings, it ain’t happenin’.
27. Orlando Magic (25-57) No Playoffs- They’ve got sun, a relatively new arena, and access to all the giant anthropomorphic cartoon characters a family man like LeBron would ever need. What they lack is talent(outside of Aaron Gordon), leadership (five coaches in 3+years, the infamous whiteboard incident) and direction. Sorry, but nope.
26. Brooklyn Nets (28-54) No Playoffs- Big market for maximum sponsorship dollars…check. Young PG that could do a decent homeless-man’s Kyrie impression in D’Angelo Russell…check. A LeBron-Mozgov reunion…check plus! Any chance of winning another ring in the next few years…(insert sad trombone effect here) Bron-Bron’s gonna do the right thing and look elsewhere for his next deal.
25. Detroit Pistons (39-43) No Playoffs (sigh)- I’m sure the allure of being even closer to BFF Dan Gilbert (his mortgage empire Quicken Loans is headquartered right downtown) added to the fact that we now have a SUPERSTAR? should place my Pistons higher on this list, but alas I’m resigned to the fact that the ‘D’ is no free agent destination. Plus, the Motor City doesn’t take kindly to our stars shilling for the imports.
24. San Antonio Spurs (47-35) First round 4-1 loss to GSW- 24th!!! Are you serious? This is one of the most well-respected franchises in all of sports! You don’t think LeBron would want to play for ‘Pop’? Sorry, Spurs fans. If Kawhi and the team’s relationship wasn’t so strained (you see what I did there?) there may have a been a slim chance of James journeying to the land of Nacho cheese slathered Flamin’ Hot Cheetohs (seriously, it’s a thing) and ten-gallon hats but with Leonard all but gone, so goes San Antonio’s chance at landing LeBron.
THE BILLY MAYS MEMORIAL “I’M ODDLY INTRIGUED…JUST NOT ENOUGH TO BUY” GROUP:
23. Phoenix Suns (21-61) No Playoffs- Here’s a list of players in NBA history who’ve scored 70+ in a game; Wilt (6x), Kobe, David Thompson, Elgin Baylor, The Admiral, and Devin Booker (couldn’t the Pistons have drafted him? Oh, that’s right…we took Stanley Johnson). With him, T.J. Warren, Josh Jackson and new draftee DeAndre Ayton, it would seem that there’s finally a foundation in place in the land of the Talking Stick. Add LeBron to that mix…intriguing, but they’re still a bit raw. Not your time yet, Suns.
22. Chicago Bulls (27-55) No Playoffs- There’s some talent there. I liked what I saw from Kris Dunn prior to cringe-inducing, teeth-smashing tumble (don’t click this. Seriously) and much-maligned draft pick Lauri Markkanen, who was better than advertised. With rookie Wendell Carter and veterans like Robin Lopez and Bobby Portis, they’ve got a puncher’s chance (sorry) to sniff the eighth seed. That’s just not enough for LeBron to step into MJ’s shadow no matter how much spice it would add to the “who’s better” debate.
21. Indiana Pacers (48-34) First round 4-3 loss to CLE- All the talking heads ripped the Pacers for ONLY getting Oladipo and Domantas Sabonis in the Paul George deal. Even with George signing up for a few more years of playing third fiddle to Russell Westbrook and Westbrook, Russell, you could still argue Indiana came out ahead. So, it came as no shock to me that they pushed the Cavs to seven games as I’d watched them grit and grind their way to several victories over my Pistons during the season. They’re feisty and I really like how ‘Bron would mesh Victor, Myles Turner (couldn’t we have drafted him…oh, wait) and veterans like Darren Collison and Thad Young, just not enough to get him to Indy.
20. New York Knicks (29-53) No Playoffs- The only reason this is intriguing is because it’s New York. The biggest media market with the most famous arena in all of sports is the perfect playground for a King. While I tend to root against all New York franchises (except the Islanders because who cares?) I must admit it would interesting to see the Knicks get a shot at their first title since 1973(!) Unfortunately, the team stinks. Add five years and counting with no playoffs, a Unicorn on the mend (for a while), and the fact that LeBron and Enes Kanter have more beef than an Arby’s and it looks like the only thing Knicks have hope for this year is if Dolan actually sells the team.
19. Denver Nuggets (46-36) No Playoffs- This team won 46 games last year and missed the playoffs (46 wins would’ve placed them sixth in the East). They have a great mix of young talented guys no one but those in the NBA blogosphere talks about in Gary Harris and Jamal Murray, some savvy vets like Wilson Chandler and Paul Millsap (29M/year!) and their own pseudo-unicorn (pseudocorn?) in Nikola Jokic. He gets down like Garnett (20-10-5) and, like Marc Gasol, could wreak havoc with his and LeBron’s passing acumen. But, like the terrible Seth McFarlane movie, there are a million ways to die in the West with the Warriors, Rockets et. al still looming. Even with LeBron, it would be a rocky climb to the top.
18. Miami Heat (44-38) First round 4-1 loss to PHL- Speaking of heat, I once ate one of those Carolina Reaper chips on a dare. At first it was fine, but within moments my lips, tongue and probably even my teeth were ablaze. It was unwise and I immediately regretted it, but that regret only grew more strong with time as the inferno coarsed its way through my digestive track. A dumb, dumb decision. Kinda like giving Hassan Whiteside another 52M over the next two years. So, while the Heat might offer another reunion with ‘Bron’s banana boat buddy in D. Wade, familiarity with Spoels and RIley, and probably still a home or two in the area, ain’t nothin’ happening until Hassan’s contract gets chopped (obscure clip, I know).
THE DUSTY SPRINGFIELD MEMORIAL “WISHIN’ AND A-HOPIN'” GROUP:
17. Dallas Mavericks (24-58) No Playoffs- We already know James has love for his boy Dennis Smith, Jr. “They got a good one,” he said last November. Then again, he did say the same thing about Lonzo Ball. For those keeping score at home, he DID also say that about Michael Carter-Willams, so…whatever. Either way, they just drafted the ‘Don’, play for a notoriously player friendly owner in a large media market with a coach respected league-wide. Is there enough beside Smith to lure James, though? Well, the announcement came today that DeAndre Jordan didn’t pull a Lucy this time to Dallas’s Charlie Brown and actually will sign with Mavs. Add a sprinkle of Harrison Barnes, maybe another piece if they can move Wesley Matthews, the honor of giving Dirk one more title shot…I’m just sayin’.
16. Milwaukee Bucks (44-38) First round 4-3 loss to BOS- Giannis Antetokounmpo, ‘The Greek Freak’, is the real deal. He can traverse the court in like 4 steps, shoot, rebound, pass and he’s only 23. It is scary to think what he might be capable of in a year or two. Throw in Khris Middleton(three and ‘D’ and a smidge over 20 points a game. Didn’t we have him at one point? Oh.) and a bulldog in Eric Bledsoe and you’ve got a nice core. Had they not been coached by Jason Kidd last year they could potentially have avoided the Celtics in the playoffs (who they still pushed to seven games) and then, who knows? Stephen A. Smith dropped some nonsense about ‘Bron texting Durant about pairing up a few days back, but if James was smart, he’d link himself to the next best thing in Giannis. But he won’t.
15. Portland Trail Blazers (49-33) First round 4-0 loss to NOP- They managed a three seed in the crowded West last year, but their early exit showed that there was an Oliver Miller sized gulf between them and the top two seeds. Dame and ‘Bron would be a great pairing, but this squad just has too much payroll bloat to get it done. 10M for Mo Harkless, another 10M for Meyers Leonard…a staggering 17M for Evan “yes, I was once a highly touted prospect” Turner. It’d be tough to make happen but I offer a suggestion; C.J. McCollum straight up for Andre Drummond (it won’t help their payroll OR their shot at landing LeBron, but it’d sure help my Pistons out.)
14. Charlotte Hornets (36-46) No Playoffs- This one should probably be lower on this list but there’s just something delicious about LeBron chasing more titles in an effort to catch Jordan WHILE PLAYING for his team. It’s not happening, of course, mainly due to it being a less than desirable market and a relative lack of talent outside of Kemba Walker. Trading Dwight Howard away is a huge plus (don’t throw his stats at me. His next team will be his sixth in eight seasons. SIXTH! Those are the only numbers that matter) but LeBron will (Hor)not be taking his talents to Carolina.
13. Utah Jazz (48-34) Second round 4-1 loss to HOU- A team that claims its biggest free agent signing ever is Carlos “Of course that’s my real hair. Why do you ask?” Boozer has a 0% chance of landing LeBron James. But, that doesn’t mean we can’t picture a world with him throwing lobs to the Stifle Tower and taking young Donovan Mitchell (couldn’t we have drafted him? Let’s ask Stan) under his wing. There are some other complimentary pieces in Rubio, Ingles and Schazelnag. Okay, that last one is made up but it doesn’t matter. He’s not going to Utah.
12. New Orleans Pelicans (48-34) Second round 4-1 loss to GSW- Of all the teams in this category, this is the one I REALLY wish could happen. A big three of Jrue Holiday, Davis and LeBron would be devastating. Davis is an otherworldly talent who is buried in a small market with a front office that has consistently failed to surround him with a decent supporting cast. They swung wildly for the fences to get DeMarcus Cousins and for a moment it looked like they were smart to zig with two bigs rather than zag with three point shooting and positionless ball like the rest of the league (ahem) is doing. When Cousins went down, it led to more space and better ball movement and a first round upset of the Blazers. Imagine what they could have done with LeBron…
The even though you could talk yourself into it from a basketball sense, he’s not going to play with Him/ with them/ for him/ or up there group:
11. Oklahoma City Thunder (48-34) Second round 4-2 loss to UTA- Kevin Durant knew their was no way he was winning a title playing next to Westbrook and I’m pretty sure James knows it too. The only person who doesn’t seem to know (or care) is Paul George. Russ is a force of nature with a seemingly endless supply of energy who has put up numbers not seen since the Big ‘O’ ran the hardwood (not to mention a transcendent dresser). But he’s got a lot of A.I. in him, and I don’t mean he’s a lesser Spielberg film from the early aughts about a creepy child robot. I mean your ceiling might be reaching a Finals, just not winning one.
10. Washington Wizards (43-39) First round 4-2 loss to TOR- There just seems always seems to be locker room instability in D.C. First you had John Wall admitting back in ’16 that he and Bradley Beal, their best players, have a tendency to “dislike each other on the court.” And then this year, now departed Center Marcin Gortat used some very loud quotation marks in a tweet during a successful stretch for the “team” with Wall OFF the court due to injury. Of course Wall sniped back in the media. Now, we’re not talking about Arenas/Crittendon level discord, but still. If Durant couldn’t even be lured back to his hometown to play with an All-Star backcourt and quality frontcourt guys in Porter and Markieff Morris, you think James will want any part of that noise? I think not.
9. Minnesota Timberwolves (47-35) First round 4-1 loss to HOU- There’s a lot to like about the Timberpups. Karl-Anthony Towns is an extremely gifted offensive big (defensively…not so much) and they’ve got nice complimentary pieces in Gorgui Dieng and Jeff Teague. Oh yeah, not to mention there’s also Jimmy Butler, a bucket-getter with a Westbrook-like intensity wrapped in a package of bullying drives, dogged defense and an ice-cold crunch-time stroke. The problem is the coach. Thibs has a reputation (fair or not) of being hard-nosed, old-school and pushing his starters to the brink. Injuries happen, but there were more than a few talking heads pointing at the coach when Butler went down towards the end of last season, derailing what was once a promising campaign. Does LeBron want any part of that in his age 34 season?
8. Toronto Raptors (59-23) Second round 4-0 loss to CLE- He can’t. Not just because they are in salary cap hell and the only way out would be to move pieces (Lowry, Ibaka) that might make Toronto an attractive option to begin with. And not because it’s in Canada. Toronto’s a world class city with a safe downtown, fantastic cuisine and a lively nightlife. He can’t because it would be cruel to even entertain the idea. Can you picture him meeting with Masai Ujiri, flirting with the fan base he’s tortured for the past few seasons? Photos leak of him mingling with the Great White North’s movers and shakers, to a point where it seems like this could actually happen…and then he signs with the Lakers? He’s caused these nice people so much anguish in the past few seasons, I actually don’t feel right typing this. Let’s pretend this never happened.
The Toby Flenderson Memorial “NO, GOD! NO, GOD PLEASE NO! NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Group:
7. Golden State Warriors (58-24) Won Championship 4-0 over CLE- There are only two teams that would elicit a ‘Michael Scott facing down his own personal devil‘ response from me and the Warriors are one of them. I don’t think it is even feasible with Golden State announcing today a new two year max for Durant and over 102M already committed to the cap in 18-19, but it doesn’t mean I can’t still have night terrors thinking about it. The rest of the league is already David to the Warriors’s Goliath, and this would be like giving taking David’s slingshot away…and giving Goliath an Uzi. Fun.
6. Boston Celtics (55-27) Third round 4-3 loss to CLE- The other team in the terrible twosome is the Celtics. I have nothing against Al Horford. He seems like a good dude. Tatum and Brown are quiet, unassuming young studs who let their play do the talking for them. Kyrie is usually good for one “how’d he do that” moment per game that flat out, few people on this Earth are capable of ( I had to). They’re a storied franchise, a pillar of consistency (except for those ‘Toine years) and blah, blah, blah. I don’t care. Ainge fleeced Billy King in the Garnett deal and has been reaping the benefits (and will continue to do so) for years. They’re set up to compete for titles until the end of time and I’m jealous. There. I admitted it. They don’t need LeBron, too. Next, please.
the lloyd christmas memorial “so, you’re sayin’ there’s a chance” group:
5. Houston Rockets (65-17) Third round 4-3 loss to GSW- Oof…the details of their new extension with the Point God, Chris Paul just leaked. Four years, 160M. He’s 33 years old. That means they’ll be paying a 36 year old point guard 40M. Just to be fair, let’s look at the numbers some of the historically great points put up in their 35th year. Isiah Thomas- retired. Magic Johnson- DNP, but he did return for his age 36th year to drop a pedestrian 14/7/6 line before retiring. Stockton- 12/8/3. Nash- 16/11/3. The Big ‘O’- 12/6/4. Payton- 14/5/4. Kidd- 9/9/6. I know. Dead horse beaten, but come on. He’d have to AT LEAST put up Nash numbers to justify that in the third year of that deal AND play close to the full 82 (which he hasn’t done in three years). The point is, the Rockets made their Banana boat choice and all I can say is Houston…you have a problem.
4. Los Angeles Clippers (42-40) No Playoffs- Location, location, location. If LeBron wants to play in L.A. without the hate that will most definitely rain down on him when/if he joins the Lakers, the Clippers would be a compromise, albeit a huge one. They are a franchise that has never won anything, that might possibly be cursed, with a reputation of doing their stars raw. Not exactly a panacea. They are also near the cap even after DeAndre bolted for Cuban‘s warm embrace due to a borderline criminal contract given to Danilo Gallinari (owed 43M over next two seasons. Has averaged 48 games played over ten year career). They’d have to get creative, or LeBron would have to settle for an early playoff exit until some of the bloat is lifted from their payroll. Both seem unlikely when there’s another option in town.
3. Los Angeles Lakers (35-47) No Playoffs- Just hours ago, I would have ranked them at least one spot higher, but then Paul George happened. Without the Pippin to James’s Jordan, the prospects of the Lakers landing the big fish seem tenuous all of a sudden. With pockets full of money, but nobody leaping up to take it (LaVar effect much?) we may be looking at the beginning of the end for Magic Johnson, team president. Who’s left for them to sign? DeMarcus Cousins coming off a torn Achilles (my guess is he teams up with Wall in D.C. I’m sure that’ll help that locker room)? Would that be enough for LeBron to leave the Cavs? They might have to swing a deal first to land another superstar or hope the Spurs change their tune on sending Kawhi out west…stay tuned.
2. Cleveland Cavaliers (50-32) Finals 4-0 loss to GSW- After all the hullabaloo about L.A., it seeming more likely that LeBron may give Koby Altman one more chance to surround him with a squad that can compete with the Warriors (fat chance unless one of their Hall-of-Famers has a catastrophic injury and even then it may be a toss-up). His mid-season efforts to do so this year were commendable even if it didn’t quite get them over the Everest-like hump. The problem is that the core of Love, Smith, Hill, Thompson, Clarkson, and Korver are locked in for two more seasons with only Love’s second year on an option. Not a lot a tradeable assets and not a lot of wiggle room. In a few days we should know whether LeBron’s choice will bring to mind for Cavs fans that quote from the Wizard Of Oz, “Now I know I’ve got a heart ’cause it’s breaking.” Or maybe it’ll be “There’s no place like home…” We shall see.
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1. Philadelphia 76’ers (53-30) Second round 4-1 loss to BOS- Doesn’t this feel like the ultimate culmination of ‘The Process’? The Sixers can sign LeBron outright under the cap, have the assets to potentially pry Kawhi away from San Antonio WITHOUT giving up Ben Simmons (who was a stud last year while actively shying away from shooting the basketball. Just wait until his jumper comes in. Sheesh) or Joel Embiid. A lineup of those two with Kawhi and LeBron, whatever they can get out of Fultz and a veteran or two chasing a ring on minimum deals would be scary good. It also keeps LeBron in the much easier East where they’d be favored over Boston and then in the Finals they could absolutely run with the Warriors/Rockets. It is, by far the most attainable scenario where LeBron could make a run at multiple titles. The Kawhi deal would have to go down first, but if it does the city that once signed a declaration of independence from one King will find themselves gladly bowing to another.
