The warring factions of my mind duke it out to finally answer the question…is Greta Van Fleet any good?
Me: (Humming along to the bridge of Greta Van Fleet’s “Safari Song”)
Myself: Seriously?
Me: What?
Myself: Can you just stop it with the Greta Van Fleet? Ever since we went to that show you dragged me to last Saturday at the Fox Theater, all you’ve been doing is humming or singing that shit and I…I think I’m done.
Me: Geez…someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Myself: What do you mean?
Me: Is my humming off-key or is it the song itself that has your panties in a bunch?
Myself: Your humming is fine. It’s just…that band…
Me: Oh, not this again.
Myself: It doesn’t bother you at all that they sound A LOT like Le-
Me: Led Zeppelin. I know. You’ve mentioned it before. Like a thousand times. Talk about being done with something…
Myself: I’m sorry. I just can’t get passed it.
Me: Try.
Myself: I have. But then a song like “You’re the One” comes along and drags me back in the muck.
Me: What’s wrong with that song? I think it’s good.
Myself: I do too, but I prefer a similar version Zeppelin released nearly fifty years ago called “Your Time Is Gonna Come.”
Me: I don’t follow.
Myself: THIS. This is what I’m talking about. You just hum along, wearing whatever the ear-equivalent of blinders are, either unable or unwilling to hear all the similarities in these songs.
Me: (shrugs)
Myself: Here, humor me. Listen to Zeppelin’s song and ignore the organ part for the first minute.
Myself: Got it? Ok, now here’s GVF’s song.
Myself: Well…?
Me: Earmuffs!
Myself: What?
Me: The ear-equivalent of blinders.
Myself: Never mind about that! The songs! What did you think of the songs?
Me: Oh. I mean…they’re both good but they’re definitely not the same. And I gotta say I kinda like the Greta song better.
Myself: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FREAKIN’ MIND!?
Me: We share the same mind, you know.
Myself: You think it’s a coincidence that they both start off with that cymbal crash?
Me: I dunno.
Myself: Both acoustic driven with that organ just sittin’ there in the background.
Me: Lots of songs are acoustic driven with organs in the background.
Myself: That have a variation of the word “your” in the chorus?
Me: I’m sure there are.
Myself: That’s repeated four times?
Me: Probably.
Myself: And share nearly the same tempo (Zep’s 150 bpm vs GVF’s 152) and song length?
Me: I mean, I don’t know every song in the world, but I’m sure they can’t be the only two.
Myself: You’re exasperating! How can you be so naive?
Me: I guess I just don’t care that much about how similar something sounds compared to something else. Either I like a song or I don’t.
Myself: So if I painted a picture of some homely chick sitting in front of some mountains and streams and shit, man-hands folded in her lap as she stares blankly back at you with a kind of wry little grin on her face and called it…I don’t know…the Mona Greasa, you’d be cool with it?
Me: Greasa? That’s not even a name.
Myself: Whatever! That’s not the point.
Me: Is she greasy or something? Or does she look like a brunette Olivia Newton-John, you know…because of Grease?
Myself: Yes. Both. She’s a greasy Olivia Newton-John.
Me: Then I guess I would be fine with it as long as you painted it well.
Myself: The complete absence of originality has no bearing on your ability to appreciate it as art?
Me: I mean, it’s kind of original. I’ve never seen a greasy Olivia Newton-John painti-
Myself: ENOUGH ABOUT OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN!
Me: Calm down, cowboy. I’m just messin’ with you.
Myself: How can I be calm when people are out there hyping this band up like they’re the second coming and all I hear is a reheated Zeppelin hash.
Me: You mean to tell me you didn’t like “Highway Tune” when it came out? I seem to remember you playing it for Dad and some of our friends and just about anybody we know that has even a passing interest in Classic Rock.
Myself: Yeah, you know why? Because Dad loves Zeppelin and GVF sounds like Zeppelin. And that riff that took our nostalgia-driven society by storm? It sounds eerily similar to Zeppelin’s “The Rover”, if you ask me. Here, listen.
Me: You’re reaching there, buddy.
Myself: Am I? Well, how about Greta’s minute-plus organ fade-out on “Flower Power” and Led Zeppelin’s minute-plus organ fade-out on “Thank You?”
Me: For you, it’s like nobody is allowed to play an organ on a song except Zeppelin.
Myself: And let’s bring it back to where this all started. That song you were humming. “Safari Song.” That bridge doesn’t remind you of “Whole Lotta Love?”
Me: Maybe a little. Definitely not a whole lotta.
Myself: I…I have no words for your stupidity.
Me: I’m just trying to have some fun with you, Mr. Cynicism. You can’t be so overly critical all the time.
Myself: I can and I will. For example, have you actually listened to some of these lyrics?
Me: OH! Now we’re gonna rip these fine young Frankenmuth boys for their lyrics, as well! Why stop there? How about the way they walk? Or the clothes they wear?
Myself: Don’t get me started on their clothes. I can’t tell if it’s a bird fetish or a Native American thing with all the feathers the singer’s got going on.
Me: Did you want me to conjure the image of Robert Plant-
Myself: Stop.
Me: from their concert film The Song Remains The Same when he’s got those super-tight-
Myself: Stop!
Me: EXTRA-tight blue jeans on and the camera is all up in there and you can see-
Myself: STOP!!!
Me: Ok, then. Let’s leave the clothes out of it. This was a discussion of music. So get on with it and tell me what the problem is with their lyrics.
Myself: It is a question of authenticity. In “The Cold Wind”, these four boys from Frankenmuth, MI, a sleepy little hamlet that is little more than a Bavarian-inspired collection of family friendly kitsch and fried chicken restaurants, sing folksy lyrics referencing taking an ox to town for selling. And a dray. I had to look up what the hell that word even means. Do you know what a dray is?
Me: No, but I know what a Draymond is.
Myself: It is a sideless cart for delivering heavy loads. Clearly the purview of some Gen Z kids who are as far removed from ox selling as Robert Plant was from snapchatting on his iPhone.
Me: Oh, come on. By that logic, people should only be able to sing, write, paint or whatever their chosen form of expression may be, about topics and times that they themselves have a plenitude of experience in.
Myself: Plenitude. Good word.
Me: Thanks, but don’t try to butter me up with compliments. You know I’m right.
Myself: I’m not arguing with you about that. Of course an artist can express themselves in whatever manner they choose. It’s just that I could kind of see where the folk inspiration came from for Zeppelin. Plant grew up in NorthChesterShire, England or something like that. Coal country. There are probably tales passed down from generation to generation of oxen doing oxen things in that area. Plus, it was the sixties. Folk music was having a revival of sorts with your Simons and your Garfunkels and, over in England, your Fairport Conventions. It was a much more organic and a natural progression for them to blend their love of Chicago Blues with that folksy stuff, which is how you get a tune like “Bron-Y-Aur Stomp” off of Led Zeppelin III.
Me: Would Greta Van Fleet’s version be called “Bronner’s Stomp?”
Myself: (sigh) Why?
Me: Because of the Bronner’s CHRISTmas Wonderland store in Frankenmuth!
Myself: You joke, but at least that would be authentic.
Me: Oh, you’re no fun. “Blah, blah, originality. Blah, blah, authenticity.” You think it was authentic for Zeppelin to be singing about Gollum? Or Vikings that come from lands of ice and snow?
Myself: ANOTHER PRIME EXAMPLE! In Greta’s “Age of Man” they reference “wonderlands of ice and snow!” I mean…come on! To quote the great Jackie Chiles, “It’s outrageoues, egregious, preposterous!”
Me: (waits a minute or so for Myself to catch his breath) Are you finished?
Myself: I mean, I could go on about how the singer often preens with his left palm upturned on stage a la one Robert Plant, or how they-
Me: You’re done. It’s my turn, now.
Myself: Bring it.
Me: “Stairway To Heaven.”
Myself: Do not DARE besmirch the name of arguably the greatest rock song of all time.
Me: I’m sure you’re aware of a lawsuit that suggests the song’s similarities to Spirit’s “Taurus” are not purely, how did you word it earlier…coincidental?
Myself: Uhh…yeah. I heard something about it. I don’t know. I guess there may be a note or two that sound alike.
Me: A note or two? Listen again.
Myself: Whatever. Yeah, they sound similar. What of it?
Me: And those lyrics. How authentic were they? Have you ever tried to make sense of them?
Myself: They’re mystical. They’re more about mood than an actual literal interpretation.
Me: Ahh, OK. I see I have an apologist in my midst.
Myself: You’re just pissed that your ONE example of Zeppelin maybe, possibly lifting something from someone else is weak, at best.
Me: Oh, you’re such a sweet, sweet boy. I almost hate to do this to you, but you’ve given me no choice. Here, look at this.
Myself: What am I looking at?
Me: You are looking at a rap sheet, my boy. A history of Led Zeppelin’s, well I’m not going to say thievery…let’s call it borrowing from their musical forefathers, and in some cases foremothers.
Myself: Psshh…that’s different. They gave writing credits to those artists. It’s more like doing a cover song than copycatting.
Me: In some cases they did, but not in all, and with several of them it was due to a lawsuit.
Myself: Alright! I’m gonna stop you right there.
Me: Why?
Myself: You’re taking this train down the wrong track if you’re somehow comparing Zeppelin’s reinterpreting of old Blues musician’s songs through a prism of pummeling drums and loud crashing guitars in a way that had not previously been done with…this competent, but uninspired mimicry I hear.
Me: All I’m saying is that every musician since the first caveperson that happened upon the sound that was made banging two rocks together, and I mean EVERY SINGLE ONE, has pilfered a note or a lyric or a melody from something they’ve heard before and that’s OK. It’s the way it’s always been and the way it always will be.
Myself: It’s just not the same, to me.
Me: Did you get goosebumps?
Myself: What?
Me: At the concert. Did you get goosebumps?
Myself: I…I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: Don’t be so evasive. You know exactly what I’m talking about.
Myself: (mumbles something incoherent)
Me: What was that?
Myself: Schneh.
Me: That’s not a word. Answer my ques-.
Myself: YES! ARE YOU HAPPY? YES!
Me: (smiling) A-HA! I knew it! When?
Myself: Oh, just drop it!
Me: Tell me! When?
Myself: During the solo on “When the Curtain Falls.”
Me: OHHH! That was wicked! I got ’em too!
Myself: Well, we are the same person.
Me: And how did it make you feel?
Myself: I felt…happy. A little dirty, but happy.
Me: Of course! How can you NOT be watching them up there on that stage? Especially that singer. He looks like he’s having the time of his life.
Myself: Yeah, he does. Those feathers, though.
Me: And do you get even the slightest sense that what they’re doing is some calculated manipulation of our penchant for nostalgia-chasing?
Myself: No, not really.
Me: Or do you think this is a fun little story of some kids who grew up buried in their father’s vinyl collection worshiping the guitar gods of yesteryear and thought…we can do that, too!
Myself: Yeah.
Me: Then just embrace that unbridled joy and appreciate that great, classic sound for what it is.
Myself: I’ll try.
Me: Oh, I’m so proud of you. Bring it in, big guy.
Myself: I…I don’t think we can actually hug. We are jus-
Me: Sure we can!
Myself: Oomff! I…I stand corrected. Now get off me.
Me: Sorry…I’m just so excited that you’re on board with this. Next time Greta Van Fleet comes around I’ll make sure we get better seats so-
Myself: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. I said ‘I’ll try’ to get into them. Let’s pump the brakes on any more concerts.
Me: Fair enough. What do you want to do now?
Myself: I’m exhausted from this debate. I just want to relax and think about something else for a while.
Me: Ooh! Like how good that Hi-C Ecto Cooler used to be and how I wish we were drinking some right now?
Myself: What? Sure. Anything other than Gr-
I: GRETA VAN FLEET!
Me: (looks at Myself)
Myself: (looks at Me)
I: OH MY GOD! You guys have to check out this new band! They sound so much like Led Zeppelin except it’s new! It’s like if Zeppelin was still making music like, right now in 2019! Check th-
Me & Myself: (in unison) SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP!!!
I: Geez…looks like some people got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.