In Late To The Party, I analyze a film you’ve most likely seen numerous times but I, for whatever reason, have not. For the first entry in the series we travel to 1988’s Hong Kong with the Muscles From Brussels.
Let me start this off by first stating that I really love movies;
- I consume them at a ravenous pace. Just this week I’ve watched Venom (fun, stupid) and Jonah Hill’s directorial debut mid90s (not fun, stupid, borderline anger-inducing). Next up is a library copy First Man that’s sitting on the counter ready to go (I visit the local branch on an almost weekly basis and have yet to check out a book).
- I will be watching all four hours of the Academy Awards despite only catching one of the Best Picture nominees so far (Black Panther, of course).
- I devour the columns of online film critics, particularly those at The A.V. Club and Anthony Lane’s often scathing New Yorker pieces.
- And I will argue until I’m blue in the face that film>>>television as the preferred format for visual storytelling. Don’t @ me. (Actually, go ahead and @ me. I could use the Twitter traffic. The handle is @fishkorn)
Having said that, I have a somewhat embarrassing admission…I have never seen Bloodsport.
I know. You don’t have to say it. It is downright indefensible that any red-blooded, 80s-bred American male would have NEVER seen Bloodsport. And the sad fact is I have no excuse. It’s not like I wasn’t watching R-rated movies back when it came out. John Carpenter’s Christine (where a man is bisected by a demonic car) had almost daily showings in the Belcarz household. Same with Terminator 2. In fact, I still remember a wholesome family evening sometime in ’88 where we all sat down to watch Red Forman blow Peter Weller’s hand clean off in Robocop. Ahh…memories.
But Bloodsport, the film based on the totally true and not at all completely made up story of real-life fighter Frank Dux, somehow slipped through the cracks…until now.
So without further ado…let’s take to the mat and break this thing down!
0:00-0:36
We start off with the Cannon Films Logo, which all but guarantees you are in for an unparalleled cinematic experience.
This is, after all, the now defunct studio that brought us the criminally underrated masterpiece The Happy Hooker Goes To Hollywood.
After the logo we get a HARD cut to an aerial shot of Hong Kong. Some very Chinese sounding music accompanies the establishing shots of the bustling streets (in case all the Chinese people and Chinese signage didn’t give it away that the setting wasn’t, y’know…Kansas).
0:37-1:06
Some very important looking doors swing open just as the star of the film’s name flashes on screen; Jean-Claude Van Damme. Already famous abroad for his Martial Arts acumen, this was the breakout film role for JCVD (unless you want to count 1984’s Monaco Forever where he played Gay Karate Man).
0:57-1:39
More credits (Yay! Forest Whitaker!) and then a few scenes of people setting up for what looks to be a Martial Arts tournament. Some robed supervisors look on contentedly as laborers either put up or take down a sign ( I can’t tell) and some other guys make sure that a large pot gets placed on a side table, because I presume it plays a crucial role in maintaining the integrity of the tournament.
(SPOILER ALERT: It does not).
Next comes the obligatory 80s movie training montage. We see Chong Li (our Big Bad, played by the gigantic chest attached to Bolo Yeung) waiting patiently as his assistant finishes tying off the third of three massive ice blocks for him to pummel. He smashes them to bits, which is cool and most definitely not something I could do, but you have to wonder if the four seconds it takes for him to break them was worth the trials of harvesting such huge ice blocks, lugging them over to the tree, and securing them to the branch. Me thinks not.
Then comes some dudes flying in to break boards with their knees while being watched by some towel-holding prep school kid. The less said about the subsequent, blatantly racist African-fighter-chopping-coconuts scene, the better.
1:40-2:10
More training. Some well-choreographed sparring between a couple of Asian men then what looks like maybe some Samoans? Hard to say. It’s dusk and everyone is holding torches and wearing Hawaiian shirts (except this very hairy and way-too-excited guy).
2:11-2:28
We meet who is to become JCVD’s sidekick, Ray Jackson, played by the gargantuan Donald Gibb who once had a cup of coffee with the San Diego Chargers. He’s really laying in to the heavy bag when a beard with a potbelly saunters over to smirk at him and ask if he’s “going to Hong Kong.”
They share some banter about the risk of dying at the Kumite (the name of the tournament) when crazy-eyed Ray says that will only happen “if you f**k up,” which seems like sound logic.
2:29-3:01
A strange sequence. First, the Asian Lou Ferrigno throws a heavy sack at his underlings and then points at them and laughs in a manner that makes me wonder if the script dialogue actually said “Ha ha ha.” Then comes a two-second scene (literally two seconds) where a close-talker gets up in Chong Li’s face to inform him they leave for the Kumite tomorrow. Lastly, we slowly pan away into a wide angle shot as a single man carefully sweeps the spotlit tournament mat before plaintively looking out to the mid-distance.
3:02-3:46
We finally meet our hero, Cpt. Frank Dux, spin-kicking a speedbag at a military base. He is being summoned to speak with the Colonel who’s uncovered Dux’s plan to compete at the Kumite during a furlough. He tells the Colonel’s lackey that he’ll go after his shower, being sweaty from kicking that bag and all. “It’ll have to wait,” the man says, to which Dux responds “OK.” They then proceed to the showers (WTF?) where Dux promptly escapes.
3:46-4:40
The lackey gets verbally undressed by a heavily over-dubbed Colonel for losing Dux who is now AWOL in his finest leather jacket to meet a middle-aged Japanese woman. They smile and stare deeply into each others eyes as she leads him by hand into her home. They are most definitely lovers.
4:41-5:11
They are most definitely NOT lovers. Dux is there to visit some guy. The lady walks away and Dux stares angrily at a sword on the mantle.
5:12-5:59
A flashback to a young Dux and his two hoodlum friends breaking into the Japanese family’s home to steal said sword. Other than the stilted dialogue between the kids, the most puzzling part of this scene is Dux’s outfit.
What pairs best with a New York Giants football jersey? A San Francisco Giants hat, of course. Why? Because Giants.
6:00-6:35
Bam! A little Japanese kid (Shingo Tanaka) lands a kick to Dux’s gut and then goes off to do his homework. His father (Senzo Tanaka) tells Dux you can’t get a katana sword by stealing (which he totally could have had he not been dilly-dallying) and then in a totally responsible way he shows his disdain for Dux’s headwear and slices off the brim.
6:35-8:00
Dux escapes punishment for the B&E after Senzo convinces his parents that all the boy needs is a little Martial Arts training (he is an accomplished Shidoshi, which is kind of like a Sensei, I guess). In reality, Dux becomes little more than Shingo’s punching bag. Unhappy with the arrangement, he demands an equal opportunity to be trained but is denied by Senzo’s moustache.
8:01-8:39
Frank kicks a bunch of ass defending Shingo on the playground. Oh, and this kid in a Bartles and Jaymes t-shirt was there.
8:40-10:36
A few years later, apparently Shingo is dead? Tanaka tearfully reveals that his life has been defined by tragedy as he had previously lost a whole other family years ago in the Hiroshima bombing. Dux decides this is a good time to push the grieving man to continue the training with him as a stand-in for his recently deceased son.
10:37-12:21
Tanaka agrees, despite Dux’s lack of Japanese-ness, and we get another training montage. This one is mainly close-ups of Tanaka’s stern gaze intercut with Dux repeatedly falling back to the mat (seventeen times!). There’s some barehanded fishing in there, some blindfold stuff. The usual.
12:22
JCVD splits count: 1
12:23-13:11
Tanaka, angry that a blindfolded Dux brought him his morning tea without the requisite two lumps of sugar, takes a swing at his face. Dux miraculously blocks the blow, which apparently means his training is complete. Mrs. Tanaka looks mildly aroused.
13:12-13:55
I stand corrected. The training is not complete. First Tanaka whips Dux with a stick, then he draws and quarters him.
13:56
JCVD splits count: 2
13:57-16:38
NOW the training is complete. Dux had to break Tanaka’s medieval torture rack first. He finally gets his sword and we are caught up to the present day. Damn, that was a long flashback!
16:39-18:36
Tanaka is napping or on his deathbed, one of the two, and he tells Dux that his spirit will be with him as he fights in the Kumite. Cool. Off to Hong Kong we go where Dux takes in the sights on a bus while we catch up with Ray again. He is openly drinking a beer in public (apparently the laws on open intox are lax in Hong Kong) and boorishly hits on a Chinese woman. He takes her lack of a response as rejection without it occurring to him that she may just not speak English.
18:37-19:11
We meet Janice, an American journalist in Hong Kong seeking out a big scoop on the underground Kumite tournament. She sparks up a conversation at a bar with two Asian men of normal height and build and immediately assumes they are there for the fight. Stereotype much?
19:12-20:39
Ray and Dux have their meet-cute when they share a riveting bout of arcade karate. Unprompted, Ray starts bragging that he is there for the Kumite. Dux counters that he is too there for the Kumite…a supposedly ultra-secretive, underground death-match that everyone there can’t stop talking about.
20:40-21:33
We meet good cop Helmer and bad cop Rawlins (Whitaker) back at the Tanaka residence. They are military police seeking the AWOL Dux. They know he’s going to the Kumite and have known for a while. They just wanted to bother this poor woman and her dying husband on their way to the airport.
21:34-23:01
Dux and Ray check in to the Hotel and meet Victor Lin, a local who is there to serve as a liaison to the North American fighters. He provides some expository dialogue about the Narrow Corridors (the dangerous part of Hong Kong where the Triads (Asian mafia) are allowing the fights to take place). He, too, cannot stop talking about the Kumite in public.
23:01-25:02
“OK, USA!” an old Chinese man tells our friends as he leads them from the street to the fighting arena. We get nearly two minutes of menacing music and many, many shots of low-hanging cables in a narrow, filthy passageway.
25:03-26:21
Dux and Ray present their invitations to the fight at the registration counter (who knew underground Martial Arts tournaments were run like your local Ramada Inn?). Dux has to prove his worthiness to represent the Tanaka Clan by demonstrating the Dim Mak which means “death touch”. It is not to be confused with Dim Sum which means “heart touch” or possibly “brunch dumplings.”
26:22-28:03
After he Dim Maks the hell out of some bricks, the registrars begrudgingly honor Dux’s invitation. Ray celebrates way too much for the success for someone he just met minutes ago.
Chong Li, seemingly impressed and dismissive at the same time, informs Dux that “brick don’t hit back” in a foreboding growl. He obviously is not familiar with Brick Tamland, who is known for his skills with a trident.
28:04-29:40
Rawlins and Helmer arrive in Hong Kong and meet with the local fuzz in Captain Chen who is evasive about helping find Dux. After Helmer steps all over Rawlins’s words for the umpteenth time, Chen halfheartedly agrees to aid in their search. A fantastic example of sound editing can be found when Helmer’s dialogue is obscured by an off-screen car horn’s incessant honking.
29:41-31:30
Well, that escalated quickly! Hossein, one of the Kumite competitors, has a hankering for some blonde journalist so he basically plans on abducting Janice from the middle of a crowded hotel bar.
Thankfully for this distressed damsel, Dux shows up to diffuse the situation. His decision to risk the welfare of this woman on his ability to quickly snatch a coin from Hossein’s palm and replace it with a Chuck E. Cheese token was questionable, but successful nonetheless.
31:31-32:37
Janice and Dux go for a stroll near the harbor where she asks the absurd question, “Why is it that no one will talk about the Kumite?” Is she serious? That is ALL people are talking about! Anyway, Dux offers her info about a tournament he himself has never competed in provided she has dinner with him the next night.
32:38-33:48
Ray gathers Dux from his hotel room to head to the Kumite.
JCVD splits count: 3
33:49-35:46
The Kumite’s master of ceremonies explains the tournament’s origins to the couple hundred people in attendance (all of which I’m sure are NEVER going to tell anyone about its ultra-secretive, underground nature).
35:47-37:28
People place their bets and the fighting begins. Lin explains to Dux and Ray that in order to win one must knock his opponent out, make them shout “Matte!” which means they give up, or knock them off the mat.
Some kicks and punches fly and when one dude spits out some blood, Ray leans over to Dux and says, “that’s why they call it bloodsport, kid.” Brilliant. It’s like he’s speaking right to us through the screen. Anyway, a guy gets kicked off the mat and people throw betting slips at him.
37:29-39:28
Ray’s turn to fight. A kick to his head draws some blood. He dabs at it incredulously. You can almost hear him say “Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!” as he goes off, smashing his prancing opponent’s face in. He then celebrates by taunting Chong Li, a man we soon find out literally murdered a man at the last year’s Kumite. Good idea, Ray!
39:39-40:28
Chong Li’s up! In the ultimate show of disrespect, he snot-rockets onto the mat.
In the next 14.8 seconds he sleeper holds, neck chops and violently tosses his way to a new world record!
40:29-42:17
Dux’s first fight is against Hossein, who taunts him by saying what sounds like “Now I’ll show you some liquid goo.” Not sure. Either way, Dux takes him down rather easily. But Hossein was only faking! His big plan was to sneak up on Dux from behind and…touch his shoulder? Dux crushes his face with an elbow and knocks out his gold tooth (which is promptly scavenged by a resourceful mopboy). Chong Li’s looks on, pissed Dux broke his record by over two seconds.
42:18-44:17
Montage time! This one is spectacular (other than the wildly racist depiction of the African’s fighting style…c’mon 80s! You’re better than this!) because of the soundtrack alone. We get Paul Hertzhog’s “Fight To Survive”, a Survivor-esque rave that features back up singers chanting “Kumite! Kumite!” A true gem.
This punch though…just a bit outside.
44:18-44:57
Rawlins and Helmer sit down for an al fresco meal at the harbor when Chen shows up to tell them that he knows where Dux is staying. A couple things:
- How did Chen know they were at that restaurant? Hong Kong is a gigantic place. They could have been eating lunch anywhere.
- Why was Rawlins smiling so much as he gathered for his first bite? It’s like the man had never eaten before.
- Are we supposed to be cool that they not only dined and dashed, but then Rawlins had the gall to throw food on the ground on his way out?
44:58-47:58
Rawlins and Helmer confront Dux as he and Ray relax at the hotel lobby. They do the whole “We’re bringing you in, see” tough guy act and even brandish some bulky looking tasers for effect. Dux splits with a little assistance from Ray and they follow in a footrace that plays out like a Mentos commercial. I half-expected Dux to bust out those little white mints as he waved to them from on high as they wallowed, bested in the river. Bizarre.
47:59-51:03
Janice attempts to use her feminine wiles to convince Dux to sneak her in to the Kumite. She even goes so far as to sleep with him and then in the morning (after we get a gratuitous Van Damme ass shot) Dux basically says, “Yeah…about sneaking you in. I’m just gonna go ahead and not do that.” She’s surprisingly cool with it, though, probably because she has some super-clever, Mission: Impossible-style maneuver planned to get in anyway.
51:04-52:10
Back at the Kumite, Ray demonstrates his incredibly useful ability to break a brick across his own forehead. Then, Dux has this insightful exchange with a random Asian guy:
Random Asian guy: “You strong today?”
Dux: “I feel fine.”
RAG: “Good. You a good fighter. You, good. Good.”
Dux: “Thanks.”
52:11-52:31
Who’s the blonde in the backless evening gown??? Why it’s Janice! Her diabolical scheme to gain entry into the Kumite was to…walk in as some guy’s arm candy? Why bother sleeping with Dux if all she needed to do was put on a fancy dress? What’s that? Dux needed a love interest to counterbalance all of the topless man-grappling? Ahh, I see.
52:32-55:18
Some good fighting here. First, a dude named Paco KOs a guy that looks like an Asian version of the older brother from Stranger Things. Then Dux gets a turn, barely breaking a sweat dispatching his opponent. But the real winner here is Chong Li, who very deliberately lands blow after blow to some guy and then snapping his leg for no reason. There’s a cool shot lingering on the bone protruding through the skin, too. Janice recognizes that the violent nature of the Kumite is her scoop so she decides to break character and PULL OUT A VOICE RECORDER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TOURNAMENT. Subtle.
55:19-57:08
The fighting resumes. Dux lands a sweet, spinning heel-kick to some guy’s occipital protuberance (look it up) and then Chong Li rabbit punches a dude. After some other guys go at it, Dux gets another match against a lanky mute who spends more time miming the whole throat slash thing then he does in the ring.
57:09-1:00:14
Finally, the Asian Lou Ferrigno shows up. He gives the African fighter a chiropractic adjustment (after a bit more racism) and then, after a broken bone-less Chong Li bout, he takes on Dux. It’s a great battle that features a Dim Mak and TWO great JCVD splits shots…
JCVD splits count: 4, 5
…the second of which comes in the service of a victory-sealing nut-punch.
1:00:15-1:01:52
Ray’s turn to take on Chong Li. He starts out overly aggressive and takes a hit, but then comes raring back to land several solid blows to Chong Li’s head. I said solid, not devastating. Not crippling. Just solid. Nonetheless, he does that stupid thing where he assumes he’s won and starts celebrating with his back turned to his foe. “He’s dead! I got him!” he shouts. Mmmhmm. I wonder what will happen next…
Oh.
1:01:53-1:02:42
Dux takes umbrage in Chong Li stealing Ray’s prized Harley-Davidson bandanna as Ray had already promised it to him earlier in the day. Chong Li dangles it over Dux’s head like you would tease a Pomeranian with a Snausage.
1:02:43-1:04:38
We’re at Ray’s hospital bedside. He’s out and the attending MD is practicing his stethoscope skills on Ray’s chest. Over and over again. We’re informed that he will be fine, although he does have a perfectly drawn circle of a blood stain leaking through his head bandage.
Dux and Janice then argue in the hall about Dux’s continued participation in the Kumite. She’s really all up in his business considering they barely know each other.
1:04:39-1:06:28
Janice thinks it would be cool to rat out the Kumite to the cops, ending hundreds of years of tradition in the process, because she’s fearful for the well-being of her most recent one-night stand. Meanwhile, Dux gets back on the bus to reminisce about events in his life that literally happened just hours before. He then has a racist moment of his own, seeing Chong Li’s face in the man across the aisle when it was actually an eighty year old. All Asians don’t look alike, bro.
1:06:29-1:07:20
JCVD splits count: 6
1:07:21-1:09:27
Rawlins, Helmer and Chen confront Dux in the dark corridor on his way to the finals (but not before he stops to glare at a cackling lunatic in a doorway). Their attempts to bring him in are laughable; a couple dudes jump out from the shadows only to succumb to a single kick, the tasers make another appearance but are foiled by a well-placed garbage can lid. The men give up easily and let Dux stroll off to the Kumite. It’s amateur hour.
1:09:28-1:12:55
Oh, no! Where’s Dux? They are going to disqualify him for being late to the Kumite! What a trage- Oh, wait. There he is. Phew! That was close.
You know who else is there? Helmer, Rawlins and Janice, that’s who. Apparently they just walked in? And none of them even had to put on a fancy evening gown to do so.
Anyway, Dux climbs onto the mat to face off with Paco whose fighting stance reminds me of an old man forcing little kids to guess which hand he hid the Werther’s Original.
These guys trade kicks to the midsection while Chong Li watches from the sideline looking like he’s trying to liberate the remains of some pork shumai from in-between his teeth.
Dux wins and Janice proudly claps and smiles, apparently over the strong urge to shut down the tournament.
1:12:56-1:14:19
Chong Li is just so extra. He’d already finished his opponent with a combo of crushing elbows and devastating punches, but he just HAD to go and break his neck, too. Superfluous, if you ask me.
The referee, frozen in shock from the carnage, stares unblinking at Chong Li whose only response was “OH, YOU DIDN’T KNOW? YOUR ASS BETTER CAAALLLL SOMEBODAYYYYY!” (OK, so he didn’t actually say that but it would have been perfect if he had).
1:14:20-1:14:50
The bloodthirsty crowd is totally digging the murderousness, feverishly chanting Chong Li’s name. He silently roars and awkwardly pumps his arms in celebration.
The judges, less impressed, show their derision by turning their backs (a sort of full-bodied ‘talk-to-the-hand, if you will).
1:14:51-1:16:28
After a dejected Chong Li calls out Dux with a spine-tingling “You are next!” (He’s not a fan of contractions), preparations begin for the final bout. The platform is changed from a flat mat to a kind of pseudo-halfpipe for some reason, bets are placed, and the fighters get some support from their trainers; Lin reminds Dux of his opportunity to become the first North American Kumite champion while Chong Li’s trainer gets a little handsy slipping an Alka-Seltzer tablet in his cumber-bunt.
1:16:29-1:17:50
Oh, no he didn’t! Chong Li’s got Ray’s Harley do-rag wrapped around his calf, taunting Dux! It is easily the worst thing he’s done so far, other than y’know…killing a guy.
And if that isn’t intimidating enough, check what he does next:
- A mesmerizing pectoral shimmy.
- Threatens to “break Dux” like he broke Ray.
- Yet another snot-rocket.
It is his personal pièce de résistance .
1:17:51-1:19:40
Undaunted, Dux lands a kick using the ref as a springboard (possibly illegal, but still cool). Chong Li gets a couple good licks in, as well, sending Dux to the mat repeatedly.
Then Dux kicks him with what appears to be someone else’s leg.
1:19:41-1:20:40
Chong Li grinds up that tablet (probably not an Alka-Seltzer) and tosses it into Dux’s face. It impairs his vision, somewhat…
…but not enough to warrant wildly missing on a punch like he does in the immediate aftermath.
I mean…c’mon.
1:20:41-1:22:44
Chong Li takes advantage of Dux’s weakened state to beat his ass up and down the platform. A frustrated Dux lets rip a primal scream but then he finds his zen space by remembering his training. As a montage of Tanaka moments flashes on the screen the only thing missing is a voiceover from the Shidoshi himself saying, “Use the force, Dux.”
1:22:45-1:24:57
Chong Li throws a right hook at Dux like he forgot the requisite two lumps of sugar in his morning tea and Dux blindly blocks it like before.
Then he goes full Dux-a-mania blasting Chong Li every which way while “I Am A Real American” plays over the PA (it doesn’t).
He lands blow after blow including some Double Dragon 2 style spin-kicks and a solid example of the flying splits (JCVD splits count: 7).
And when Chong Li succumbs to the onslaught, Dux mounts him and demands that he tell him he loves him. “Say it!” he shouts repeatedly.
1:24:58-1:27:00
Ok, so it was “Matte” and not “I love you” that Dux was demanding to hear, which admittedly makes more sense. Chong Li complies and Dux is the Kumite champion! For his prize, he gets another katana, so I guess now all he needs is a blue eyemask to accurately dress up as Leonardo next Halloween.
Back to the hospital we go where Ray is not only still bleeding from that same spot on his head but also casually drinking a beer. Awesome.
And then Dux and Ray express their love for one another. They’ve known each other for three days.
1:27:01-1:29:05
Helmer and Rawlins are on the tarmac at the airport fretting that Dux welched on his promise to meet them there after the Kumite. Oh! There he is behind them…already on the plane! They are the absolute worst.
Janice shows up to bow to Dux from afar and then we end with a mandatory 80s movie freeze-frame.
Well…all I can say is that for whatever Bloodsport lacks in plot, believable characters, well-executed drama and whatever else a truly ‘good’ movie must have, it makes up for in big, bombastic, dumb 80s fun. I truly enjoyed the exploits of Dux, Ray and the Kumite boys and I am ready for a reboot.
Picture it…JCVD as the shidoshi taking some young dude capable of doing the splits under his wing, the new big bad at the Kumite is trained by…YOU GUESSED IT! CHONG LI! It practically writes itself. C’mon, Hollywood! Let’s do this!
Cover Art: Fishkorn illustration/ https://www.maxpixel.net/Vintage-Classic-Television-Retro-Tv-Antique-Old-1844964, NIKON D80. All stills from Bloodsport (1988), Warner Bros.