Is there a link between 50 Cent’s 2003 hit “21 Questions” and Dr. Seuss’ holiday classic? No, not really.
In March of 2003, just two months removed from the release of his career-defining, generational wealth-spawning banger “In Da Club”, 50 Cent dropped an absolute fire single called “21 Questions.” Like its predecessor, it too went on to top the Billboard Hot 100 and further cemented 50 as the new king of Hip-Hop.
The slow jam, anchored by the late Nate Dogg’s velvet smooth hook, centered around a protagonist’s interrogation of his female companion. He questions her about all manner of things, but the majority of his inquiries revolve around some deep seeded insecurity that her allegiance to him is predicated on his ability to remain affluent, able-bodied and out of prison. It plays out kind of like a gangster’s version of traditional wedding vows (just replace “for richer or poorer” with “if I went back to a hooptie from a Benz”).
Within his probing, there are some redundancies (“If I fell off tomorrow, would you still love me?” and “If I ain’t rap ‘cause I flip burgers at Burger King would you be ashamed…?”) and a little bit of lewdness (there’s a whole thing about his tongue I’d rather not go into). And there’s some real baller action later on when he essentially says that any future infidelity on his part should be accepted as long as he can subsequently make his partner smile (how could she not when he’s dropping solid gold lines like “I love you like a fat kid love cake.”) To this, every remorseful adulterer ever relegated to the doghouse must say “would that it were so simple.”
Of all the lines, it is the Seussian outro that always stuck with me. You cannot hear “Could you love me in a Bentley? Could you love me on a bus?” without picturing Sam-I-Am, the peddler of breakfast foods from the Dr.’s classic Green Eggs & Ham.
And while I’m sure the similarity in phrasing is coincidental, it provides a through-line (albeit flimsy) for me to take that “21 Questions” format to the beloved holiday classic “Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas!”
Let’s begin…
1- SO, WHAT THE HELL ARE THE WHOS SINGING AFTER THE OPENING CREDITS? YOU KNOW, THE FAH-WHO FORAZE PART.
That’s what it is. “Fah-who foraze. Dah-who doraze.”
2-WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
It’s complete and utter nonsense.
3-AM I UPSET THAT DR. SEUSS, OF ALL PEOPLE, USED MADE UP WORDS IN A SONG?
No. Of course not. Later on in the song he references hanging pantukas on the ceiling and piling panpunas on the floor. To my knowledge, those are not actual things that exist. It’s just that I’ve always been kind of embarrassed about making up my own nonsense words to cover for the words I thought I was mishearing. It’s cool, though. The song’s a national treasure. Let’s move on.
4-WHY DOES THE GRINCH HATE CHRISTMAS SO MUCH?
Boris Karloff, our narrator, spells out quite clearly that he’d rather not answer this question, but then goes on to speculate on possible reasons: ill-fitting shoes, a poorly-secured head and an undersized heart.
5-ILL-FITTING SHOES?
I got pretty annoyed one Flag Day because this button-up I was wearing was cut so awkwardly that it would instantly come un-tucked if I lifted my arms higher than my chest. Every Flag Day since has been fine, though, so no, I don’t buy that footwear can cause fifty-three years of Christmas hate.
6- WHAT ABOUT THE HEAD THING?
No way that’s the reason. While I cannot think of any real advantage it would provide me, I wish I had the ability to spin my head around Exorcist-style. For example, the Barred Owl can rotate its head about 270° in either direction and it seems to be getting on just fine.
7- SO IT’S THE SMALL HEART THEN?
According to the Journal of Cardiology, “Small heart syndrome”, previously referred to as so-called “neurocirculatory asthenia,” is characterized by weakness or fatigue even after mild exertion, palpitation, dyspnea, and fainting, many of which resemble symptoms in patients with chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). Hatred of holidays, secular or otherwise, is not commonly correlated.
8- DO WE EVER FIND OUT THE REASON?
Moments after a Karloff’s postulating, the Grinch himself lays it all out for us. It’s quite simple, actually. The noise, or more specifically the noise, noise, noise, noise. He’s basically Huey Lewis during Marty McFly’s audition for Battle of the Bands.
9- WAIT. ALL OF HIS AGITATION COULD HAVE BEEN SOLVED BY SOME NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES?
Yes.
10- DOES HE KIND OF HAVE A POINT?
Other than feasting on some roast beast, here is a sampling of what Whos do on Christmas.
- Race around on squeaky trains and bikes
- Dance with jing-tinglers (ankle bells)
- Blow their flu-floobers and bang their jar-tinkers (a sort of rolling tuba with cymbals)
- Beat their trum-tookers and slam their sloo-slonkers (more cymbals and bells)
- Beat their blum-blookers and whack their who-wonkers (drums and…you get the point)
- Play a noisy game that’s a cross between roller skating and lacrosse
- Go outside, ring more bells and sing their nonsense song at the tops of their lungs
Yeah, I’d say he has a point.
11- INSTEAD OF DRESSING UP LIKE SANTA CLAUS AND BURGLARIZING THE HOMES OF DOZENS WHOS, COULDN’T HE HAVE JUST TAKEN A VACATION DURING THE HOLIDAYS?
I mean, yeah. I guess, but what the hell kind of story would that be? How the Grinch Visited His Time-share In Puerto Vallarta! doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.
12- DOES THE GRINCH WEAR PANTS WHEN HE DRESSES UP LIKE SANTA?
No, he does not. If I were him I’d focus less on how tight my shoes were and more on public decency.
13- SHOULD WE CALL THE ASPCA ON THE OLD GRINCH FOR THE TREATMENT OF HIS DOG, MAX?
Absolutely! His treatment of that poor animal is disgraceful. Within the first few minutes he grabs the dog by scruff and threatens him with a closed fist. Then to drop heavy loads of toys on his head and force such him to drag that heavy sleigh by whip! It’s cruelty defined. And that’s without mentioning the emotional toll of being forced into a life of crime against your will.
14- IS CINDY LOU WHO A GENIUS?
After stripping her house of all things Christmas related, the Grinch goes after Cindy Lou’s tree. An ornament drops off amid all the commotion, waking Cindy Lou Who, who is no more than two. She picks it up and says “Santy Claus, why? Why are you taking our Christmas tree? Why?” Typically, two-word noun sentences are all a child of her age could muster. And those phrases are usually limited to the child’s basic needs. “Want milk” and “baby sleep” are the norm. Complex thoughts as to why a presumably altruistic being like Santa Claus would be robbing you like a junkie needing his next fix are generally beyond a two-year old. So yeah, she’s advanced for her age.
15- BUT WHY IS SHE ONLY LIKE TWICE AS BIG AS NORMAL SIZED ORNAMENT?
What do you want me to say? Her thyroid levels are normal. Her parents are of average size. I’m sure she’ll hit a spurt here sooner or later.
16- DOES WHOVILLE HAVE AN INFESTATION PROBLEM?
Initially, I would have said no. Sure, Cindy Lou’s house had a mouse searching for crumbs left behind by the Grinch but that’s one house. Then Karloff essentially states that all of the Who’s houses had mice. I could sort of understand if the Whos lived in New York, Chicago or certainly Baltimore, but not the Who’s small town nestled in a snow-covered valley. Better get Terminix on the phone, pronto!
17- WHAT’S THE WORST THING KARLOFF SAYS ABOUT THE GRINCH?
We’ll get into that, but I can tell you from the jump which insult I would prefer to be called. Hands down it’s the “bad banana with a greasy black peel.” At this year’s Art Basel in Miami, Italian artist Maurizio Cattelan duct-taped such a fruit to a canvas and sold it for $120,000. Even on my best day I don’t think I could fetch half as much. (Side note: people are stupid)
18- GET INTO THEN! WHAT’S THE WORST INSULT?
The myriad of insults lopped at the Grinch can be broken down into three categories: the mild, the medical maladies and the weird. Some examples:
The mild-
- a mean one
- a heel
- a monster
- as charming as an eel
- a vile one
- a king of sinful sots (I don’t know what that means)
- a nasty, wasty skunk
The medical maladies-
- cuddly as a cactus (a likely case of scleroderma)
- heart’s an empty hole
- brain is full of spiders
- termites in your smile (easily cured by a dental visit)
- heart’s a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots
- soul is full of gunk (colon cleanse should shore that up)
- crooked dirty jockey and you drive a crooked hoss (scoliosis is no laughing matter)
The weird-
- wouldn’t touch him with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole
- has the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile
- is a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce
Of them all, it’s gotta be the pole one. The specificity for the length of pole that he would not touch the Grinch is what gets me. Why you would be walking around touching people with poles is another question altogether.
19- SHOULD THE WHOS HAVE BEEN AT ALL CONCERNED THAT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEIR HOMES HAD BEEN ROBBED?
I once had a whole case of Gatorade stolen from the back of my pick-up when I was in chemistry class back in college. While I didn’t go calling 9-1-1 for it, my reaction certainly wasn’t to gather around in the town square for a singalong.
20- IF THE THIEF HAD BROUGHT THE GATORADE BACK TO YOU WOULD YOU HAVE INVITED HIM INTO YOUR HOME FOR DINNER?
I’d like to think I would and I’d even let him carve the roast beast.
21- COULD YOU POST A LINK TO THAT 50 CENT VIDEO?
If Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas! has taught us anything, it is that the true spirit of Christmas is giving, not receiving.
Merry Christmas, you seasick crocodiles!
Art Design: Erik Belcarz. Credits: Christmas Background https://pixabay.com/illustrations/the-occasion-of-christmas-christmas-4691942/